Most of us have experienced the exquisite agonies of love. In fact, some of us are convinced that the ‘agony’ is the ecstasy of love or at least that it signals ‘deep and true’ love. In fact, research indicates (and healthy people confirm) that excess agonies indicate something far different which is perhaps not real love at all.
1. Real love includes self development first. A stable relationship with who you are as a person precedes loving another. Toxic love is development or obsession with the relationship without regard to your own individual sufficiency.
2. Real love wants everyone to grow. It gives love room.
Toxic love needs to derive security from the relationship. It finds comfort in sameness. Intensity of need is seen as proof of love when such intensity may really be fear, insecurity or loneliness. For example if (s)he says he will kill himself without you, this is most likely because (s)he is insecure and cannot imagine living without you.
3. Healthy love allows for separate interests, other friends and encourages you to maintain other meaningful relationships. Many and diverse relationships and personal development enrich healthy love. Toxic love requires total involvement resulting in a limited social life, the neglect old friends and of other interests. People in toxic love have a need to isolate and be alone together.
4. Healthy love encourages each other's expanding. It is secure in its own worth. In toxic love there is a preoccupation with the other's behavior and a fear of the other changing. This is frequently seen when one of the spouses gets a new job, or promotion. Anything that changes or threatens the partner’s security causes anxiety.
5. Appropriate trust is present in healthy love relationships. Jealousy, possessiveness, and fear of competition are marks of toxic love. All of these behaviors are designed to protect the "supply" of the toxic love.
6. People who are in love in a healthy way, compromise, negotiate and taking turns at leading. There is a balance within the relationship. Toxic love is characterized by power plays for control, blaming, passive/aggressive manipulation.
7. Embracing of each other's individuality is a healthy sign. Trying to change someone so they fit your image of what they should look like is a sign of toxicity.
8. Reality can sometimes be the pits but it is the only safe place to reside. Good relationships deal with all aspects of reality. Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant are toxic.
9. Self-care by both partners is another sign of good health. One person’s emotional state is not dependent on other's mood. In toxic love the expectation is that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. The healthiest love is concern about partner but able to letting go and maintain a level of detachment or individuality. Toxic love is enmeshed. There are no clear boundaries between yourself and your partner. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is upset you cannot function for the rest of the day.
11. Within the healthy relationship sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love relationships demonstrate pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear and need for immediate gratification.
12. Healthy partnerships enable each other to enjoy being alone. They like being different from their partner and having their own interests. Toxic love is unable to endure separation and it clings. They are fearful of the partner having their “own thing” because they fear it means that they are unfulfilled.
If you have something to add or something you would like to discuss, I would love to hear from you!
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